Assume Positive Intent – Part 2

Assuming positive intent is great in theory but difficult in real life. Overlooking what could be construed as an insult requires a high level of emotional control; one that doesn’t come easy. But, effective leaders are willing to make difficult changes because they know that “nothing in life worth doing is ever easy.”

Last week I explained that the first step to assuming positive intent is acknowledging that others are not deliberately trying to anger you. In a report on assuming positive intent in The Business Journal, Robert ‘Dusty’ Staub wrote “When we assume positive intent we can focus more clearly and communicate more crisply and efficiently because we have taken off the table any sense of personal attack and are instead focusing on specific things that were done or not done and upon outcomes.”

Once you understand and believe that most people are not intentionally trying to incur your wrath, assuming positive intent becomes a matter of managing your emotions. Most negative reactions to communications are just that, emotional reactions. Don't let your emotions dictate your leadership style. Instead to be effective, learn to harness, to manage, and ultimately, to leverage emotions.

Indra Nooyi, Chairman and CEO of Pepsi learned to assume positive intent from her father.

“When you assume negative intent, you’re angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed. Your emotional quotient goes up because you are no longer almost random in your response. You don’t get defensive. You don’t scream. You are trying to understand and listen because at your basic core you are saying, ‘Maybe they are saying something to me that I’m not hearing.’”

In practice, leaders should always work to assume positive intent. But, there is one caveat. A colleague once told me “assume positive intent…until proven otherwise.” Unfortunately, those are wise words. Despite research showing that most people do not have a malicious intent, there are exceptions. If you uncover one of those rare exceptions, keep your guard up when communicating with him in the future. But don’t let an “exception” taint your effort to view others through the eyes of positive intent.

One way to begin assuming positive intent is a bit counter-intuitive. The next time you feel insulted, instead of lashing out take time to be introspective. Ask yourself these questions before you rush to judge someone's negative intentions:
1. Do I KNOW that the insult was intentional?
2. Would someone else interpret it as insulting AND view it as deliberate?
3. Is it possible that my initial message was misinterpreted?
4. Do I have a bias that could be coloring my interpretation?

Asking yourself these questions will help you view the situation from a different perspective. . .and help your blood pressure return to normal! It takes practice, but over time it will be easier to stop thinking the worst and assume positive intent.

Assume Positive Intent

It happens a lot. You receive an email with a snide comment that questions your skills, motives or beliefs. The insult makes you angry. Your emotions begin taking over. As your blood pressure rises, you mentally draft a stinging response.

Yes, it happens a lot...and it happened to me while researching this topic! That’s why I know that it is much easier to write ‘Assume Positive Intent’ than it is to do it. But that is precisely why it is so important. Effective leaders know they should not let emotions dictate responses. Learning to assume positive intent is one way to keep those emotions in check.

Unfortunately, human nature often causes people to interpret information through the negative goggles of bias or prejudice. It happens with all forms of communication, but is particularly evident with written materials and especially emails. As you know from a previous post, most emails lack the proper tone to convey emotions and nuances, leaving a huge void for reader interpretation.

One way to tame these negative emotions is to prepare in advance. Think back to those situations in which you felt slighted. In hindsight, you are probably amazed by the complexity and subtleness of the attack. The lesson here is that people are not normally subtle when they attack. When someone attacks, you usually know it.

Assuming positive intent works by discarding the possibility that the other person is deliberately trying to screw things up. It is important because the opposite approach, making negative assumptions, can lead to unnecessary anger, stress and worry. And that can create nonproductive behavior or lost productivity.

According to a study in the International Journal of Psychology, the effects of anger can last seven days. If being disappointed by others’ actions immediately makes you see red, then imagine the cumulative impact on your attitude and therefore, on your organization, if you are always on a continuum of getting angry to staying angry to getting over being angry - about something that might not be based on reality!

The true reality is that most people, particularly co-workers, are not trying to alienate you or others in the office. It is unlikely they are devious or conniving enough to figure out how to insult you so subtly. The ‘insult’ is most likely someone doing what they think is best and doing it for the right reasons.

As Patti Digh wrote in Life is a Verb

This isn't about being a Pollyanna and unrealistic. It's about eliminating opportunities for anger in your life - and sometimes it's about opening the door for dialogue.

In next week’s blog I will tell you how to open that door and how you can make assuming positive intent part of your daily routine.

Say ‘Thank You’ with Your Pen

‘Saying’ thank you is good; ‘Writing’ thank you is better. In a world that uses email, texting, and instant messaging to communicate immediately, hand-written thank you notes are fast becoming a lost art. Mastering this lost art will help your reader understand the value of what they gave you.

Marshall Goldsmith devotes an entire chapter of his book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There to the topic of thanking. He restates an obvious but often overlooked belief that “Saying ‘thank you’ is a crucial feature of etiquette and being mannerly.”

Beyond etiquette, expressing gratitude is an important aspect of effective leadership. A Subtlety of Leadership is that you cannot succeed alone. Good leaders understand that success is dependent on many other people and they regularly express their gratitude. A thank you note is a written acknowledgment of another person’s role in your success and will encourage him to help again in the future. Jaceson Maughan of Life123 agrees:

Everyone needs praise, acknowledgment and appreciation for a job well done. Because thank you notes are increasingly rare, the positive impact is far stronger when one is received.

When should you write and when should you simply ‘say’ thank you? Always write when the effort was special, unique or out of the ordinary. The website Lifescript suggests

A written thanks is appropriate when someone goes out of his or her way to give you a gift, service or time. Even if you are able to thank the giver in person, you should still follow up with a written thank you.

Emailing a thank you note is better than not sending one at all, but it is not as effective as a written note. Because an email is easier, faster and less expensive, an emailed thank you will never have the impact of a handwritten note and often lacks the intended sincerity. Sending a hand-written thank you demonstrates that you made the effort to purchase a card, locate the address, hand-write the note and sent it with an actual stamp through the mail. This effort never goes unnoticed.

The beauty of writing a thank you is that you can’t go wrong. While a note may not be needed or even expected, they are always appreciated and are seldom inappropriate.

The best way to commit to writing thank you notes is to keep a supply readily available. To get started, buy a small package of thank you notes at a local greeting card store. Better yet, order a box of customized thank you cards from a stationary store embossed with your initials or name. Vistaprint.com is a good online source. Either way, choose a card style that is subtle so you can use them in both professional and less formal situations.

When it comes to writing the message, remember that thank you cards are small for a reason; your message should be short and to-the-point. Speak from your heart, but be specific about why you are grateful.

You cannot succeed by yourself and you cannot lead unless others follow. If you are a good leader, you already tell others how much you appreciate their help, their work and their effort. You already tell them how their contribution made a difference. Next time, tell them with your pen.